Healthy Boundaries in Relationships (2023)

In relationships you have to set boundaries.

Everyone knows that.

But what if not?

Since borders are places on the fringes of countries where soldiers stand with guns to defend their territory, you have to ask yourself: do I really want this in my marriage?

I know I don't.

Barbed wire and gun turrets don't do much for intimacy.

You might be thinking, "That's a different kind of boundary," but in my early marriage, there wasn't much of a difference. I meet many other women who are just as confused as I am.

They say, “I set a limit. I told him it's not okay to drink late with friends and leave me home alone with the kids."

Or, "I told him he needed to end his friendship with this woman at work because it violated my boundary."

Or, as I used to say, "I don't like being spoken to like that, and I won't accept you violating my boundaries."

Of course I want to honor myself. I want to say how I feel and what I want. I want to feel important and wanted.

I want to be treated well.

Today I have all of that in my marriage. But setting boundaries never helped me get there.

Here are 5 false facts about borders and what to do instead:

1. Boundaries make relationships better.

In the bad old days when I set a boundary it came out of anger (or if I'm being more honest I was actually hurt) and so it came when I got to speaking my truth laced out with sarcasm, criticism and resentment.

For example, when I said, "I don't like being spoken to like that, and I won't accept you violating my boundaries," it included a pretty loud subtext that he was an idiot and just pissed me off.

I was a big fat hypocrite who criticized him for being critical and blamed him for blaming me.

That was pretty sure I wouldn't get a good response, like an apology or a hug, because that's not how people are made.

Even if you're married to a Congressional Medal of Honor recipient, I promise you, if you're on the warpath, they'd rather get caught in enemy fire than try to hug you.

Whenever I feel criticized I become defensive, no matter how right the other person is. It stands to reason that my husband reacts in the same way.

Criticism has never improved our relationship. Not once.

So I only speak for myself and avoid criticizing him to teach someone else how to treat me and still maintain the intimacy I value so much.

I say what I mean, but I don't say it that way.

One way to do this in this example would be to simply say "Ouch!" and nothing more. I honor myself by admitting that I'm hurt, but I don't criticize or blame my husband.

It takes a little getting used to, but the response is so much better than I've ever gotten from "setting a limit".

2. Boundaries are a way of taking care of yourself.

Another common pothole I often fell into was embracing my husband's problems as my own instead of trusting him to figure things out on his own (as he had done for 32 years before I met him).

This has led me to pursue things that were not my concern or area of ​​expertise, even though they exhausted and stressed me out.

For example, I took it upon myself to help him find a better job, which meant appointing myself as his career advisor, revising his resume, and (you're welcome!) finding him job leads.

When he didn't appreciate any of it, I was upset!

I set a limit by saying, "Well, then you can do all this on your own without my help because you don't appreciate anything I do."

In hindsight, I'm sure he was relieved! Except for the part where I explained what an idiot he was for not thanking me profusely.

As you can imagine, that didn't exactly make him feel in love with me.

These days I stay out of trouble like that by minding my own business first. It saves me a lot of completely unnecessary resentment.

If no one asks me for help, it means they don't need or want help. If they did, they would tell me.

Even if they point it out, I don't have to read anything into it, and I don't usually do it.

That's because I trust that other people are the experts on their own lives and can speak for themselves when they want something from me. That includes my husband.

I listen and even empathize at times, but I refrain from blaming myself for solving my husband's problems unless he asks directly, and even then I sometimes use magical expression to cause trouble avoid.

What is that sentence, you ask? Glad you asked...

3. You shouldn't let yourself go beyond your limits.

If you think of your own limits as a mere mortal woman, rather than turrets, and if you think of acknowledging those limits before you cross them - not after - then this one is indeed true.

Deciding that my husband had overstepped my bounds used to be license to screw him.

But in hindsight, if I've been overwrought, exhausted, or otherwise out of shape because my limits have been pushed, there can only be one person truly to blame: me.

I'm the one who gave himself away by staying up too late to take him to the airport or feeling too lonely just waiting for him to come home when he was out with a friend, or worked too hard to pay all the bills I was afraid he couldn't handle.

These days I'm pretty good at asking myself if I'll hold grudges before I do something, and that does me great good.

When someone asks me to do something that overwhelms me, exhausts me, or throws me out of shape, I respond with this magical phrase, "I can't."

It pays to be brave enough to disappoint my husband sometimes because it helps me maintain my dignity, stay comfortable most of the time, and avoid a blast.

I have to reiterate: If I'm overstepping my limits and my husband happens to be around when I decide to go over budget, there's no way I'll be able to get angry at him to restore my self-esteem.

At all.

But acknowledging my own limitations upfront has been a life saver and a marriage saver.

A college student experimented with this phrase when her husband asked her if she could water the neighbor's lawn that day. She just said, "I can't." And he just said, "oh." It was awkward for a few moments when he then figured out Plan B, which was for him to do it later that day. He solved the problem himself, and she didn't overexert herself, get angry, or lose her dignity by informing him of her limitations.

4. Boundaries lift others up.

That's just not my experience — not the way I've used boundaries or how I see other women using them, which serves as an attempt to control someone else.

Because borders are secret ultimatums or threats. It is human nature to rebel against an ultimatum or a threat.

Being threatened brings out the "I'll show you!" in all of us.

I remember thinking that if I made threats, my husband would realize how thoughtless he was and reconsider his actions, but it never worked, not even a little.

It didn't protect me from suffering what I took to be his bad behavior.

My notifying him has only given us wall-to-wall animosity.

These days I'm not at all tempted to make threats or ultimatums because my husband is inspired to make me happy.

All I have to do is be my best self (the me I've always wanted to be anyway) and my husband will respond to me better.

5. Boundaries are non-negotiable.

Boundaries are often things like, "I'll let you know now that I'm never going to your brother's house again," or "Next time you need a ride to the airport, don't ask me."

But these kinds of announcements — the kind that are from now and forever — are just sideways forms of saying, "I hate you right now."

You may feel good about yourself at the moment, but you leave little room for the possibility that you will see things differently in the future.

They are certainly not conducive to intimacy as they tend to leave a cold frost in the room.

I realize my relationship requires constant negotiation and there are very few things I can decide about now and forever.

Instead, I prefer to check every moment with myself and decide whether to go to his brother's house or drive him to the airport.

Maybe I will, or maybe I can't and still be my best self - the calm, self-possessed. Not the angry and resentful one.

However, I know I can honor myself when this situation arises. And I don't need a strong military for that.

It is true that we are always teaching people how to treat us.

Setting boundaries has never gotten me the tender, playful, passionate treatment I have now. But focusing on and honoring my own feelings and desires helped me give everything I wanted when I thought I needed all that defense.